This will make you smile 😃

It was a warm, cool breeze day at the Plymouth Hoe, I sat down on the grass and watched the world go by. For miles ahead you can see a mini cruise ship. (I only say it’s mini as it’s smaller than the Brittany Ferries).

Looking out to the sea

From where I was sitting I could see the Anthony Gormely sculpture Look2. Seagulls swooping down and grabbing any empty food items. The rodents of the sky. I watched them whizz down and grab two plastic empty Starbucks cups and fly off with a trail of other seagulls chasing them. They threw one Starbucks cup through the air, like it was parcel the parcel. Another landed on the other side of the field next to me. Thank goodness it didn’t land on anyone’s head.

Suddenly I heard a child’s voice shout “Moy”. Moy means auntie in Bengali. I looked up from my reading and turned my head, thinking it could be my nieces. What are they doing in Plymouth? They didn’t tell me they were here? Then I realised the little girl was saying “Oi” to her brothers. There was 4 little boys running, rolling, wrestling across the field infront of me.

I carried on reading. The children sat a couple of meters away from me with their parents. The youngest boy of the four, jumped up on to his feet and points to something behind me, “There’s a lion house!” He cries. His mother chuckled and corrected him, “No, it’s called a lighthouse.”

The “lion house” aka Lighthouse – Smeaton Tower – Plymouth Hoe. 2022.

I knew this day would come

I knew this day would come when finally all my sisters become mothers. My little sister told me a few weeks ago that she’s expecting. Her and her husband are thrilled. I’m so excited for her. I really am. If you’re reading this, please don’t be harsh on me.

The sad part for me is that I knew this day would come, when finally all my sisters would have a “mini-me”, a biological mini version of them, with their genes. I wouldn’t. I can’t. I’m infertile. I thought I had grieved and overcome this chapter in my life. But the flood banks have reopened.

I never thought I would feel this way.

Will you be my Valentine? 💚♥️

The concept of Valentines Day, is to give a card to someone you admire, fancy or have a crush on.

Growing up as child the boys in my year made me feel ugly as I never got a card. It was like I had to be fairer to be pretty. I was the only ethnic minority girl in the year.

However my little sister had a different experience to me, she’s 8 years younger than me. All the boys in her school used to send her Valentines cards. I remember our living room was flooded with hand made and bought cards.

I wonder maybe it’s because of where you live, the environment and experiences you go through definitely factor on behaviour. I don’t know if I’m making sense.

We went out last night, my husband and I. Everywhere we went other men, came over to us, congratulate my husband telling him he’s a lucky guy and tell me how beautiful I am. We thanked him of course. Clearly I grew up in the wrong part of the country.

I don’t need a man to tell me I’m beautiful. I know why worth. It was quite amusing.

Helping Strangers

I like helping strangers. People who I don’t know directly. People I’ve never met. Being part of online groups where people share their problems or look for things and queries. For example, a women mentioned she was looking for a 1 bed flat where the rent totals to £400, utility and bills included. I read this a few days ago and then when I was browsing through my Instagram feed I saw a 2 bed flat being advertised where the bills and rent came to £300. Bingo! I thought and I sent the lady the details, photos and contact number of the agency.

What you done in the last 12 months?

What have you done in the last 12 months? Where we’re you in 5 years ago? Are you still working the same job? Are you still living locally?

“You’ve changed,” said the caterpillar. “We’re supposed to,” replied the butterfly.

@riskhappy (Not my image).

All these thoughts, makes you think and want to list what you have accomplished. You’re not the same person you were 5 years ago. Let alone where you live, what career you do and who’s your partner.

A little while back I’ve reunited with an old friend whom we lost contact because we didn’t have anything common no more. Funnily 10 years later, we still don’t. She hasn’t changed a bit. She’s exactly the same.

I have changed. But you’re supposed to. How can you not be a better version of yourself?

Bonfire night 2021

It was a warm night at Plymouth Hoe, though everyone were wearing coats, scarves and bobble hats and gloves. The fair ground was on. Flashing bright lights. Every so often the micro phone of a man saying “Everyone scream” and then a second later a trail of screaming and laughter coming from the fast rides, swirling, spinning, up down, whizzing. Smoke rising. Loud dance music. You can smell popcorn, sweet lingering in the air, mixed with a strawberry vapour smoke, cigarettes stubs. The warm from the burger and chips stands. There a several hit fast food stands. You name it, they have it. Fish and chips, noodles, coffee and crepes and the list goes on.

We bought a cheese burger for me and a beef burger for my partner and cheesy chips. You can’t go wrong with cheesy chips. As they enter your mouth and melt. The grass we were sitting on was dampish but dry. You couldn’t really see where you’re sitting as it was so dark. I prayed that we did not sit on any dog shit I’m sure you would smell it first before anything. Sitting on the grass, watching the world go by. A 3 year old toddler child running around in loops around her parents. Like dogs do, loop around in circles. The child was very cute. On the other side there was a couple sitting with their yellow hi-vis in their scooters, auto mobiles. They had their back to me. They were facing the sea front. The Smeaton tower looked magnificent. All lit up. People were gathering around the bonfire.

The bonfire it self was no magnificent piece. It was a pile of pallets, with a figurine put on top. The model wore jeans, jumper and had gloves. Face was a like a balloon. I couldn’t make out what material it was made from. The pallets had been donated from a local company Babcock. I don’t know what I was expecting. Perhaps a gigantic mythical creature made out of wood. They created something like this at my local park for bonfire night couple of years ago but it was burnt down due to arsonists.

Suddenly out of nowhere, there was a huge grey smoke and the bonfire was lit. No announcement. No count down. Unexpected. it lit up the sky. Orange yellow flames dancing up into the sky. Smoke embers flying high, like gold Japanese koi fish you see in ponds. Elegant and dancing through the sky. It was mesmerising. For a moment I forgot where I was. Everyone looking up into the sky. Smart phone raised like when you’re saying cheers, saying a toast, taking snaps of the fire.

Suddenly again at the corner of my left eye I see movement in the sky and bright flash. Everyone whip around to the left and fireworks decorate the sky in multiple colours, designs and patterns. It was beautiful, astounding, loud, astonishing. Delightful. Cheers of “wow” and “ooh” and “aah”! We were all standing as one watching the bright lights capture our attention.

The beginning.. 2021

The dancing flames 🔥 – 2021

Fireworks 💥 at the Hoe, near Smeaton Tower. 2021.

The Party Crasher…

I’m reading a new book by Sophie Kinsella called “The Party Crasher”. It’s hilariously funny. However I can’t shift the feeling of sadness whilst I’m reading this book. Effie’s parents have divorced, and her father has a new girlfriend who’s taken over the family home. Gus, Bean, Effie are siblings. Grown adults. Mimi, Effie’s mother has moved out of the family home: Greenoaks.

It’s never easy when there’s a breakup between a husband and wife. There’s still pain even when children are involved. In this story, the children have grown up, and there’s still pain.

I think men find it easier to move on quicker than women.

Why are siblings so toxic?

Why are siblings are so toxic to one another? Why is there so much rivalry that continues from being a child to an adult? Is it the same between brothers and sisters, brother and brother, and sister and sisters?

Let’s start from the beginning. Let’s take in count, parents and how many children they have. I’ve read so many articles growing up that say the eldest child is always the most successful and youngest child as they were able to free. What about the middle child? You have to take in account the experiences each child has, their free will and decision making leads them to where they are.

If they studied at university, in the long term are they likely to better lives (careers as companies still prefer people with degrees in bee people who don’t) and be still debt for ever long. If you didn’t go university, you’re self made, as you have worked your hardest to get where you are. Started from the bottom, worked your way to the top. You are debt-free, unless you invested your money wisely such as a mortgage or commercial property.

When did you leave home? When did you move from your home town? Or did you stay there and set up for life to be close to your parents? Do you have good relationships with your family? Are you close-knit family or stranded?

When a child leaves home (relocates to a new area), they have to fend for them selves and learn new life skills. It boosts confidence and you realise what it important to you.

Going back to toxicity of siblings, it is better off not even thinking about the person who is upsetting you. You’re better off ignoring them, or shutting them out. But sometimes you can’t you want to help them, despite how they are treating you. If the family member is going through a tough time (for example, relationship breakdown) they still should not be giving other family members a tough time either. action speaks louder than words. The feelings never go away. If someone makes you feel bad, you want to remove them from you. But they’re family, you’re kind of stuck as they’re part of your family history.

I don’t know if I’m successful. I’m just trying to live a good and happy life with the person I love. To be able to start again, is a real blessing.

It’s like the other day I was telling a friend, imagine everyone around you has 6 fingers and this is the norm. You’re the only person who has 5 fingers. So, you’re sad. You grieve for the 6th finger, then get over it. If you’re a person who has 6 fingers, and realised that having a 6th finger, you have no need for it. It is a choice to make to have it removed. No one can force you into it, you have to make that decision yourself.

My above explanation, comes into everything. If you decide to have a child, naturally or via IVF, adopt, keep it, abort it, get married, stay together or divorce, have the snip, not to have the snip, relocate for a new job, the list goes on.

I think I probably went off on a tangent. I wanted to provide a background understanding of where this is going. I really should provide hard cases, case studies that are relevant and support my theories. But all my theories are based on my experiences, being a middle child, invisible child, and watching everything happen around me.

I did it!

On 25.08.2021 I completed my 3.40 miles run and completed 33miles in total august 2021. The aim was to run 31 miles just for this month and raise money for Pancreatic cancer. So happy! #run31milesinaugust #run31inaugustpcuk

Breaking up with a friend

Breaking up with a friend can be as painful as breaking up with a long term partner, boyfriend, girlfriend and a marriage. Why aren’t we talking about it? Have you recently ended your friendship with a friend of “X” amount of years?

My mother asked me about an old of mine, whom I’d known since we were 11years old. Where is she now? We remained friends till we were 23years old and went out separate ways. I know she’s married to her boyfriend and they have a son now. I always knew she would have a son. I remember bumping into her 6years ago and she was heavily pregnant. I was on my way to the airport. I was travelling alone.

Now six years later, I reached out to her. I sent her an email. I don’t know if it works still. It didn’t bounce so perhaps she still uses it. I wanted to know what she is up to? Can we be friends again? Probably not. I don’t think she wants to know me. I’m not the same person I was back then. Then why did I reach out to her?

What would I do differently? I don’t know. I didn’t think I had done anything wrong. Back then: I was being me. Go with the flow, chirpy person that I used to be in my late teens and early twenties.

I reached out to her many times when I noticed our friendship had changed. I wrote to her. I called her. I invited her to my home and cooked her lunch. I tried to meet her at her new place and kept telling me we’re not in. She purposely didn’t invite me to her house warming party which I found out through Facebook and some of her husband’s friends. Some times you can’t force people to let you in. You wait for them. If it doesn’t work no more. You let go and move on.